Tell Me How You Really Feel

The Steady Haul

2005-05-10T17:55:35Z

Years later and miles away
I sit on a rain-soaked bench
waiting for the ferry.

I think of my brother
at the dinner table
and me asking him
to pass the bread.

What’s it like to want?, he used to say.

Even then I knew
this would be the question
I would answer
again and again
throughout my life.

He knew the answer
as much as I did: to want
a father un-dead,
a mother to soften,
a lover who loves in return.

I look out at the sea
trapped in the bay
kicking itself in the ass
for reaching for nothing more
than a beach to show up on,
a place to spread out its depths
and be touched
gently at the pulse.

And the clouds move
across the sky like barges making
the steady haul home, thick,
dark with water.

My hair blows in my face
and I do not move it.

Children toss bits of bread
into a huddle of pigeons
then chase them so they scatter.

And the birds return to the pack
despite their better judgment
still looking for bread, and I
board the ferry,
steady yet hesitant,
and move toward home.

In To The Hunger

2005-05-07T16:11:02Z

It was as if we were walking a famine road
the hills around us green, yet oddly barren,
studded with rock. A bleak beauty.

And I kept looking for the mountain lion
who had appeared to us the last time we walked
this path and fell in love. But she did not appear.

And the red-winged blackbirds took flight around us
and the wind hushed through the trees. I love that sound,
I said to you. But you couldn’t hear it.

And as we walked toward the ocean, we cleared
our path just as the hungry Irish did, we had our shovels
you dug your furrow, I settled into mine.

We knew the road would end. Our love would
become the sea lion, beached and reaching for the water,
moaning with fatigue, rearing its head in the futile

endeavor of returning home, of belonging to something
to someone to some place other than this beach
where we put down our shovels, laid our bodies on the sand,

folded our hands on our chests, felt the wind
wash over us, the sun heating our skin
one last time, together, we closed our eyes,

given in to the hunger, the waves as our witnesses,
the blackbirds in flight, two flames
perched on the darkness.

The Waves

2005-05-05T01:14:46Z

Look how they mill about
out there like a crowd of workers
waiting to hear if they have a job for the day,
whispering to each other about necessity,
shoulders tense and shivering,
resigned to the bitter
tug of what must be done.

How they huddle and gather,
anticipating their inevitable dissolve
on the grit and rock, how they surrender
to this destiny, to witness themselves
as mere shadows, lightless, utterly spent.

This is the nature of love,
with its haul and heave, its breathless
suspension and the wild pull
to an inevitable undoing.

How quickly we turn to mist
hovering on the wind, how the moon wrenches us
back into the swarming fold, each time
a bit more accustomed to betrayal.

And I surrender to this
persistent oscillation,
clipped to this life, to this
unruly belief in love,
translucent and limp, yet
still hoping for work.

I see myself now, rising
from the waves’ exhausted collapse,
moving through the air, a sheer
memory of water, drying out
on the wind-whipped face of a woman
placing her trembling hands in the sea,
as she watches the worker’s arms,
cloaked in foam, flail before her,
their earthly moans escaping
from her gaping mouth.

TPO'D, for you...

2005-01-11T06:38:44Z

a poem by mary oliver...

Lilies

I have been thinking
about living
like the lilies
that blow in the fields.

They rise and fall
in the wedge of the wind,
and have no shelter
from the tongues of cattle,

and have no closets or cupboards,
and have no legs.
Still I would like to be
as wonderful

as that old idea.
But if I were a lily
I think I would wait all day
for the green face

of the hummingbird
to touch me.
What I mean is,
could I forget myself

even in those feathery fields?
When van Gogh
preached to the poor
of course he wanted to save someone--

most of all himself.
He wasn't a lily,
and wandering through the bright fields
only gave him more ideas

it would take his life to solve.
I think I will always be lonely
in this world, where the cattle
graze like a black and white river--

where the ravishing lilies
melt, without protest, on their tongues--
where the hummingbird, whenever there is a fuss,
just rises and floats away.

i've been offered a place to live...does anyone know this area?

2005-01-10T04:01:07Z

I've been offered a room in this house--see the photos and posting below. I met with the guy for two hours tonight. He seemed pretty cool, the room was big and had a large closet. The only thing I'm unsure about is the location--is anyone familiar with this area off of Seminary near Mills? I was there after dark so I'm not sure.

copy and past the craigslist URL into your address bar to see the posting and get the link to see photos...

Oakland Room for Non-Smoking Female Only

Original URL: http://www.craigslist.org/eby/roo/54713275.html

Posted by:
Posted on: 2005-01-06, 3:20PM

FOR NON-SMOKING FEMALE ONLY:

House to share near Mills College, highways 580 & 13, 10 minutes to Berkeley, 15 to SF. EZ-Bus to Bart, but life is easier if you have a car.

Our house: progressive-thinking, healthy-eating, somewhat vegetarian, conserving, recycling, alternative music appreciating, hardwood floors, gas cooking, microwave, H2O filter, networked (ethernet and Wi-Fi) DSL internet connection in room, washer, dryer, quiet neighborhood, cul-de-sac, parking, doggy or two, large, wooded property in Millsmont ravine, overlooking Chimes Creek, redwood decks, redwood trees, garden, composting, fruit trees, hammock, hot tub. Three bedroom house with 2.5 baths. Two people now (one m, one f) and we need a third (female only, to maintain gender balance).

Room Available: Master room about 12' x 13' with large 9'6" closet, sliding glass doors to deck. room is unfurnished. own 1/2 of bath, (shower is shared with one other female roomie).

We are looking for a roomie with *some* of the following qualities: responsible, neat, considerate, self cleaning. willing to avoid using harsh cleaning chemicals, bug spray and other nasty sprays. be sensitive and courteous to others, communicative, friendly and positive, mellow, emotionally and financially stable, easy going, fun loving and helping by nature, not way into alcohol or drugs, understanding, not boring with an available sense of humor and an interest in living, independent, creative, mature, and have enough going on for yourself. be respectful and want to maintain a relaxed and friendly environment, etc. :)

See some pictures of the place...

Rent: $490 plus $95/month for utilities (water, sewer, gas, electric, garbage, DSL and cable).
Available: Immediately

Deposit: first+last+$200 cleaning/security deposit ($1370) move in cost. Lease Terms: non smoking female only. Month-to-month, but a one year commitment is preferred.

When replying: *please* include home and work phone numbers, best time to reach you, and a little something about yourself, your gig, your passion, your focus, your likes, etc.

Cheers, Bill, et. al.

Map: nairobi and oakdale

my chart

2005-01-05T16:41:43Z

Thanks to justin42, check out my astrological chart.

Here are the basics:

Sun in Taurus:
The Sun is related to the individuality, and Taurus is ruled by Venus, associated with beauty and harmony. So the person can fundamentally be seeking harmony in their life. They can have a strong aesthetic sense, being interested in things of beauty, the arts (ruled by Venus) or in refinement and culture. The Sun is to do with nobility, truthfulness and dignity, so their values (Venus stands for one's values) can be set
high. Since Taurus is an earth sign, the person can value security, seeking to possess things and establish firm foundations through material security. The earthiness can also bring qualities such as
tolerance, patience, deliberateness and conservatism.

Moon in Cancer:
The Moon is here in her own sign (as the ruler of Cancer), so all the qualities of the Moon are intensified. It is in dignity or honour, in astrological terminology. The person's emotions and feelings can be one of the most important features in their life. They are likely to be sensitive, with deep
emotions and experiences on the feeling level. This position is in favour of an excellent memory, since the Moon is to do with reflection, and of an easy going attitude to life -comfort may be deemed more important than achievement.

Moon in Cancer is perhaps the most nurturing of all configurations -nurturing both emotionally and physically. The person can be kind and sociable - qualities associated with the Moon - and may focus
their attention on the mother, the home, the family. In a female nativity the person could make a very loving mother, although may need to take care not to smother the child. If the person is living the higher qualities associated with the Moon, they can be very intuitive and have strong psychic abilities.

Many details in the long version of the chart were right on. Here are some of those details that resonated:

*Aesthetic sense, love of beauty.

*There may also be, at times, personality clashes, conflicts with figures of authority and with hierarchy
in general.

*High artistic sensitivity and inspiration: Deep experiences and revelations through music. Natural perception of the sacred side of arts.

*With this aspect, your Jupiterian power of material realisation depends a great deal on your clarity of
purpose and your sense of integrity. If there is no truth for you in a project or a particular job, better
not waste you time on it; your Jupiter enthusiasm would refuse to support you in it, and you would be
likely to achieve but mediocre results. Conversely, when you feel that truth is on your side, you can find
deep inner resources that make you unstoppable.

*The fiery Moon: The good side of the combination: Mars adds fire and spice to the Moon feelings.
Emotional stamina. Hot feelings. Passionate nature. Ardent love. Burning imagination.

*Has difficulty finding peace in meditation - the mind never seems to let go of thoughts. Restless emotions.

*Lots of fire, lots of desire. Emotional intensity (this combination is an emotion magnifier).

*A rich palette of feelings and also a depth to them. Strong attractions. Can be fascinated, enchanted,
enraptured, captivated. (Think of mythological stories relating the irresistible attraction between Ares-Mars and Aphrodite-Venus, and their passionate amorous episodes.) Strong likes, 'I love that', 'I adore him'.

*There's also a sex maniac aspect to my character...imagine that.

Mercury in Taurus:
Here the Mercury mind can be geared towards practical, material concerns. (Taurus is an earth sign.)Mercury being in an earth sign brings common-sense and also a measure of shrewdness. (Mythological stories present Mercury, or Hermes, as a shrewd negotiator, with a quick-moving mind. See 'Planetary Forces, Alchemy and Medicine' by Samuel Sagan.) The Taurus influence brings an ability for concentration and
deliberateness. The fleeting qualities associated with Mercury are modified by the fixed and earthy nature of Taurus, bringing caution and precision. The mind is geared to retaining and consolidating ideas, which can be put to practical use.

Venus in Taurus:
Venus is the ruler of Taurus, so here she is in her own sign - 'in dignity', in astrological parlance. This is a very sound position, favourable for harmonious relationships, Venus' forte. Due to the
earthy nature of the sign there is an emphasis on stability and long-lasting affection. This often goes with a certain possessiveness. There is an element of enjoying sensuality and physical contact with
Venus in this earth sign. The person can look for beauty in their physical environment, and knows how to appreciate the pleasures of the senses such as good food and perfumes. The person can be attracted to the beauty of nature. They could apply this in practical ways in their life, such as in creating a beautiful garden. This position can indicate good taste. There can be good dress sense, a liking for beautiful objects, antiques, jewellery, art, and so on. Aesthetics are important. The person can appreciate
the value of physical objects and like gathering material comforts - preferably luxurious. Creativity can be related to tactile forms of art such as sculpture, painting, pottery.

Mars in Aquarius:
Mars, planet of drive and libido, is in the sign ruled by Uranus and Saturn. Uranus is to do with originality and independence, so the person's drive can be directed into activities that allow him or her
to have a free hand and use their creativity in original ways. They can be very intuitive and inventive.
The Mars tendency to push ahead under its own steam is modified by being in the sign of Aquarius, where communication is fundamental. The person can be attracted to electronics, computers, technology,
and other Uranus fields. They could be also be drawn towards humanitarian activities, since Uranus is the planet of altruistic ideals.

Jupiter in Aquarius:
Jupiter is the planet that can go further, break records, explore new ground; Uranus, co-ruler of Aquarius (with Saturn), has the power to break limits, make sudden changes. So the person can be in the forefront of new ideas, trends and - because Jupiter and Saturn are the social planets - social reforms. Combining
the symbology, you could also see an enjoyment of new forms of communication and media such as Internet. However, keep in mind that Jupiter is in Aquarius for a whole year (as with any sign), so this
position may not be as significant as aspects to Jupiter or Uranus. The person can be exceptionally tolerant and broad-minded, because Uranus qualities include being unconventional and progressive. The
Uranus influence is also brought to bear in the person carrying strong humanitarian and democratic values. It is a position for someone to be a world citizen (Jupiter also being associated with long journeys).

Saturn in Gemini:
This position is not at all bad for Saturn, since Gemini is ruled by Mercury, planet of communication, light-hearted humour and wit. It can serve to lighten Saturn's tendency to be serious and earth-bound. Moreover, the mind, associated with Mercury, can gain a depth and structure through the Saturn influence. The thinking can be orderly, methodical and logical. There may be an interest in science, both the theory and practice.

Uranus in Libra:
Uranus is the planet of independence, innovation and originality; Libra is ruled by Venus, related to love and harmony. With Uranus in this position the desire for autonomy and freedom can be modified through a love for peace and harmony. A spirit of compromise can prevail, leading to new ways of forming relationships, innovative modes of expression and ways of establishing freedom within relationships.
There can be new forms of expression in the arts, using Uranus type mediums such as electronics, computers.
Uranus takes about 7 years to pass through one sign of the zodiac, so its position here does not relate to a specific individual. For that, it is more illuminating to look at aspects to Uranus.

Neptune in Sagittarius:
So many years pass while Neptune traverses one sign, that it is more appropriate to consider its effects here in a communal rather than an individual sense. Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, planet of expansion
and philosophy. In relation to Neptune, planet of inspiration and idealism, there can be philosophical ideals and great faith, as well as a propensity for dreaming, since Neptune is connected with dreams
and illusion. Prophetic dreams and visions can take Jupiterian proportions, but the position of Neptune here does not preclude massive illusions.

Pluto in Libra:
Pluto takes so long to move through a sign that this position relates to a vast number of people, not really to one individual. The action of Pluto is to destroy in order to allow the creation of
something new. Venus, planet of love, beauty and harmony, is ruler of Libra, the sign of the scales. Venus is the planet of attraction, which in Libra suggests marriage. (Libra rules the 7th house also, the one which refers to the partner.) So Pluto in this position suggests there can be destruction of the patterns of forming partnerships.

Nth Node in Capricorn and South Node in Cancer:
The South Node in Cancer is in favour of past lives in which softness, receptivity, sensitivity, played an
important part. Having perhaps led a sheltered existence or been nurtured in such a way that the Moon qualities of feeling and imagination could be fostered, there can be a vulnerability reminiscent of
a child. However, with the North Node in the sign ruled by Saturn, it suggests that one of the essential lessons of this life is to learn the Saturnian values rigour, precision, method, caution,punctuality, self-discipline, integrity. It is by paying attention to details, respecting deadlines and fulfilling one's
commitments and obligations, that the native will be able to realise the full potential of their chart. If the native does not incarnate the Saturn qualities, all the promises of the chart may just remain on
the level of wishful thinking.

=============================================================
Born May 6 1973, 4:25AM in Portland
(Hour of Sun)

In this interpretation, we will follow the following
plan:
- introduction
- general points
- major aspects
- planets in houses
Then, some help material for non-astrologers:
- the meaning of the planets
- the meaning of the houses
- glossary of astrological
terms
The house system used is Placidus

Copyright (c) 1994, 1996 by Clairvision School
Foundation

=============================================================
GENERAL POINTS
=============================================================

In this chart...
*) Sun is very strong because:
-conjunct Immum Coeli
-ruler of the hour
*) Jupiter is strong because:
-in the 1st house
-square Sun
-pole of the Heptagram

Notice the following groups of planets:
*) The conjunction Sun - Venus in the 4th house.
*) The conjunction Moon - Sth Node in the 6th house.
*) The conjunction Neptune - Black Moon in the 11th
house.

=============================================================
MAJOR ASPECTS
=============================================================

Note: the aspects are presented in a carefully
selected order which reflects their importance in this
chart.

Conjunction Sun-Venus, orb = 06053'
Key Words: lovely and lovable, gracious, full of
charm.
Adds a Venusian component to the personality.
Aesthetic sense, love of beauty.
Sense of harmony.
Elegance.
Heart qualities.
Note: the conjunction is the only major aspect
possible between the Sun and Venus, since the maximum
distance between the two planets is 48 degrees. (The
only possible minor aspects are the semi-square and
the semi-sextile.) Taking 10 degrees as the orb for
conjunctions, about 10 percent of the Earth's
population has a Sun Venus conjunction.
This conjunction, however, is somehow part of the
chameleon aspects: its significance is greatly
modified by other aspects to Sun and/or Venus.

Square Sun-Jupiter, orb = 04020'
Key words: the king, great solar Jupiterian.
Direction: Higher Ego. If you miss it: dictatorial
little ego.
Sun-Jupiter is perhaps the brightest and luckiest of
all planetary combinations.
Imparts a number of Jupiterian features to the
personality:
-Enthusiasm, optimism.
-Broad-mindedness.
-Broad ideals. Capacity to do things in large measure.
This is an aspect of fullness, and maturity.
The Sun reinforces self confidence, self trust, belief
in oneself and trust of one's ability when facing
difficult situations. Sense of loyalty, dignity, noble
disposition, high sense of leadership and rulership.
It would be an excellent aspect for a king!
*Exaggerate characters:
A Sun-Jupiter character is likely to have an
inclination for doing things in large measure.
It is a 'too-much' association, which by nature may
well have a tendency to exaggerate at times.
Rather than one exaggerating character, it may be an
exaggeration of a number of characters, and of various
features in the personality.
*Direction: Higher Ego.
Within the palette of soul forces, the Sun-Jupiter is
one which tends towards the Ego. The higher and more
philosophical sides of Jupiter are enhanced by the
Sun. Jupiter is reminded by the Sun that its need for
expansion is unlimited and will never be satisfied by
anything less than a full spiritual realisation. This
can be a 'high quest' aspect.
*The danger of a bloated little ego:
At the same time, this clear direction towards the
Higher Ego is very much needed because, with this
aspect, the little ego side of the Sun could also be
bloated in Jupiterian proportions. There is the
potential for egotism in large measure with pride,
ostentation, arrogance. There is likely to be at least
some periods in the person's life when the little ego
will aim at becoming dictatorial.
*There may also be, at times, personality clashes,
conflicts with figures of authority and with hierarchy
in general.

Trine Sun-Nth Node, orb = 06040'
The Shining power of the Sun leading from the South
Node (past lives) to the North Node (future). The
configuration points towards the necessity of
manifesting Ego and heart qualities in order to find
one's life direction and fulfil it.

Trine Jupiter-Saturn, orb = 07057'
Jupiter and Saturn incarnate opposite sets of values.
Jupiter is outgoing, optimistic, jovial, likes to take
risks and be in the limelight. Saturn enjoys
introversion, is rather pessimistic by nature or at
least cautious, and enjoys solitary activities. And so
on with a long list.
Thus all aspects of Jupiter and Saturn pose a
challenge: how to integrate all these contradictory
values?
If such integration can be achieved, then the result
is a great power of realisation. Jupiter and Saturn
are the two planets of 'materialisation', with which
one can carry on projects of a certain dimension and
make things happen in the world - the archetypal
example of a sublime achiever with a Jupiter-Saturn
conjunction being William Shakespeare. Another example
of irresistible force is Bruce Lee.
The trine is, by nature, an aspect of harmony and
'flowing together'. This is a good factor in this
encounter between Jupiter and Saturn.
The good aspects of the Jupiter-Saturn have every
chance of manifesting in the native's life: common
sense, practical dispositions, sound judgement, good
at making business decisions, good at taking care of
the finances and of the accounting. Good at dealing
with administration. Caution, but capacity to grasp
opportunities. Person of good advice.

Sextile Jupiter-Neptune, orb = 04034'
*A warm and harmonious combination:
The meeting of Jupiter and Neptune is a happy one:
these are two planets of spirituality and vastness
which go well together. Neptune adds a spiritual
dimension to Jupiter. Jupiter holds the Neptunian
potential and helps actualise it out of blurriness.
Jupiter's warmth enhances the benevolent values
inherent to Neptune and minimises the coldness
sometimes attached to it.
*Neptunian sensitivity in Jupiterian proportions:
Empathy, immense compassion.
Jupiter's generosity and Neptune selflessness.
High ideals.
*High artistic sensitivity and inspiration:
Deep experiences and revelations through music.
Natural perception of the sacred side of arts.
*Highest spirituality:
Jupiter the hierophant, Neptune the mystic - one of
the most spiritual combinations of planets.
Premonitory dreams.
Faith, capital F (as in the pistis of the Gnostic
gospels).
Visionary (think of Edgar Cayce, who had Moon-Neptune
conjunct in the 10th house, and trine to Jupiter in
the 6th).
Natural understanding of the world of the gods and of
high spiritual realities.
Great mystic. Transcendental experiences.
Experiences of expansion and vastness. Universal love.
Vast illuminations.
The Neptunian rich inner spiritual life expanding
under the Jupiter influence:
The prophet. The hierophant. High priest(ess).

Sextile Jupiter-Black Moon, orb = 01027'
Key words: Jupiter sharpened by the Black Moon, or
bogged in the shadow.
Jupiter can greatly benefit from the sharp, exacting
nature of the Black Moon. The need for perfection and
the absolute, which is inherent to the Black Moon can
give direction to Jupiter's values of expansion and
growth, and thus help it gain momentum and achieve in
the world.
With this aspect, your Jupiterian power of material
realisation depends a great deal on your clarity of
purpose and your sense of integrity. If there is no
truth for you in a project or a particular job, better
not waste you time on it; your Jupiter enthusiasm
would refuse to support you in it, and you would be
likely to achieve but mediocre results. Conversely,
when you feel that truth is on your side, you can find
deep inner resources that make you unstoppable.
Another possible scenario with this aspect is that the
shadow side of the Black Moon, i.e. deep psychological
conflicts buried in your subconscious mind, obliterate
the expansion power of Jupiter. Put in simple terms,
this means that if you have difficulties achieving
anything substantial in the material world, it could
well be because the power of your subconscious and
unconscious mind is in the way. This can mean that a
thorough exploration is needed. But for some people,
it can be the opposite: too much self-exploration
renders the shadow more invalidating! Rather than a
simple formula, what is needed here is the
establishment of a harmonious relationship with the
unconscious parts of your mind.

Trine Moon-Mars, orb = 03008'
Key words: fiery Moon.
This basically disharmonious combination of planets
can express in various ways - certainly not all bad.
Moreover, the native is in no way fixed in a
discordant psychological framework. However, there is
the need for an inner work in order to integrate the
opposite values of the two planets, which will
probably be more difficult if the aspect is tight.
Moon-Mars characters:
*The fiery Moon:
The good side of the combination: Mars adds fire and
spice to the Moon feelings.
Emotional stamina. Hot feelings. Passionate nature.
Ardent love.
Burning imagination.
Can become extremely enthusiastic about projects or
people.
Can experience hot levels of devotion when engaged in
a spiritual path.
*The restless, 'venom in the soup' Moon:
Agitation. The Moon propensity for chaos supported by
Mars' dynamism.
Compulsive activity which is not always productive.
Mars' direction swamped in Moon malaise.
Has difficulty finding peace in meditation - the mind
never seems to let go of thoughts. Restless emotions.
Never satisfied - it's never good enough. Pain in the
neck character.

Sextile Mercury-Mars, orb = 01032'
The Mars-Mercury combination tends to impart the
qualities of Mars to the mental organisation:
- alertness, sharpness, mental agility, mental
stamina;
- discernment, critical mind;
- can have a lot of clarity if he/she does not let
himself/herself be heated up with anger;
- sharp tongue, can talk a lot;
- enjoys debates, likes to challenge ideas and people,
argumentative.

Square Venus-Mars, orb = 06012'
Key words: The encounter of the 2 planets of desire,
passion, libido and creativity.
The Venus-Mars combination can manifest in quite
different characters. A person may well manifest one
of these characters at one period of their life, then
another character of opposite polarity in another
period - all this even if they do not do any work on
themselves.
Characters related to the Mars-Venus association of
planetary forces:
*The passionate character:
Mars and Venus are the two planets of polarity,
attraction and passion.
When they meet in the form of an aspect, they
reinforce each other. The fire of Mars permeates the
Venusian sensitivity and adds stamina and spice to it.
The Venusian flow tends to make the Mars planetary
force more directly geared into the sphere of
emotions, feelings and sexuality.
The results are:
Lots of fire, lots of desire.
Emotional intensity (this combination is an emotion
magnifier).
A rich palette of feelings and also a depth to them.
Strong attractions. Can be fascinated, enchanted,
enraptured, captivated. (Think of mythological stories
relating the irresistible attraction between Ares-Mars
and Aphrodite-Venus, and their passionate amorous
episodes.)
Strong likes, 'I love that', 'I adore him'.
Strong dislikes, 'I hate this person', 'I can't bear
that'.
*The sex maniac character:
Mars and Venus are the two planets of the libido -
Venus being the watery, sensual side, Mars the fiery
side. The reinforcement that takes place when they
meet in the form of an aspect is likely to create
strong sexual needs, at least for periods.
If a person with this aspect is unaware of any sex
maniac character inside themselves, then it is likely
they simply do not know themselves. An entire part of
their sensuality remains dormant and more or less
buried in the background of their psyche, which calls
for urgent self-exploration work.
Conversely, this can be an aspect to burn the candle
at both ends. The expression of this aspect can become
overdone in an endless multiplication of sensual
experiences. Then it is essential for the individual
to realise that these will never bring full
satisfaction and that, deep inside, they are looking
for something of a spiritual nature.
*The creative character:
Being the two planets of the libido, Venus and Mars
are also those of creativity. It can, of course, be
artistic creativity - when the fire of Mars is
channelled towards Venusian aesthetic values. Or the
creativity can manifest in any other endeavour,
depending on inclinations and dispositions.
Whatever nature it may take, this creativity will
prove a wonderful outlet for the inner build up of
intensity that accompanies a major aspect between
Venus and Mars. This should be remembered in
particular when counselling someone with this aspect
who is going through a difficult period of inner
tension. Encouraging them to express their creative
side through an activity appropriate for themselves
will allow the libido to flow, which may greatly
facilitate the resolution of inner conflicts.
Another important point is that people with this
aspect may never have realised how creative they
potentially are, and therefore never applied their
qualities to anything. Children with this aspect, in
particular, should be encouraged to learn some form of
artistic expression, such as drawing or music, not
only because it is good for their flow of libido, but
also because they are likely to have hidden talents.
*Hands:
A powerful advice that can be given to anyone with a
major Venus-Mars aspect and undergoing an emotional
crisis is: do something with your hands. The more
creative it can be, the better. But even if it is not
particularly artistic, as in weeding the garden or
taking a few tools and tinkering, working with one's
hands has a powerful balancing effect on the Mars flow
of libido.
*Grasping and free-flow:
An important concept in the Clairvision work is that
of grasping and free-flow. These correspond to two
different attitudes to sensual enjoyment (be it
related to food, sex, or anything that can be an
object of desire). In the first one, the psyche
'grasps' the object, making the enjoyment a consuming
experience. In the other, there is a much more
relaxed, fluid, open attitude to pleasure in which you
can flow with the experience - hence the name
'free-flow'.
Mars is the planet of grasping, Venus that of free
flow. The dialectic between grasping and free-flow
therefore takes a special importance for the
characters related to aspects between these two
planets. The native may well start his/her career as a
prime 'grasper', rushing into enjoyment of all kinds
as a devouring youth (Mars-Venus aspects give strong
stamina).
>From there, there is a learning curve of the free-flow
to undertake. The quicker the person can move towards
free-flow, the more the Mars-Venus character inside
themselves is likely to reach balance and harmony.

Square Moon-Pluto, orb = 00017'
Watch out! As the orb is only 00017', this aspect is
extremely tight.
This makes this aspect super-powerful - one of the
most powerful of all aspects in the chart.
The Moon-Pluto brings exceptionally deep, intense and
rich emotions, which at times may devastate the
native.
It is essential for them to find outlets for these
emotions and not let them remain buried underground -
otherwise he/she can be consumed by them. Unless
significant work on oneself has been achieved, there
are likely to be times when these emotions explode,
internally or outwardly, which can be quite shocking
to the native (and to his/her surroundings). In most
cases, however, one should not necessarily worry when
it happens - Pluto can cope with (and vitally needs)
significantly more intensity than the average person.
Because of this rich inner life, the native can
intuitively understand other people's emotions with
great sharpness (also because Pluto likes to
investigate and unveil other people's secrets). If the
integrity is not high, this can also lead to a lot of
emotional manipulation of parents, friends, and/or
colleagues.
The Moon is the planet of fertility, which Pluto's
intensity can superlatively enhance.
Can lead to an exceptionally fertile imagination and
creativity.
There are not many combinations like Moon-Pluto for a
rich and complicated sexuality. There is a jungle of
fantasies, either at the background of the psyche, or
consciously acknowledged. At times, the desires can be
overwhelming - a chasm.
The Moon eclipsed: However, because of the intensity
of their desire, and also in relation to the
concealing nature of Pluto, there may well be the risk
of totally repressing the sexual desire, and cutting
off from the rich inner emotional world. Rather than
facing what may at first appear to be the abyss, the
native semi-consciously or unconsciously chooses to
close the lid and see nothing. Some people even lead
themselves to believe that they have transcended
emotions and sublimated their passions, while in
reality they are in a state of quasi-total
suppression.
There are great dangers associated with such an
attitude. One is that the native is living on a
volcano, which might create disastrous mental and
physical problems. Another is that this will cause a
disconnection from the fountain of creativity that is
inside.
The Moon is the planet of sensitivity and affection,
but also of nutrition. Any disorder of the Moon is
likely to create nutritional disruptions, usually
through overeating, sometimes anorexia nervosa (a
perfect example of the Moon being taken underground by
Pluto).

Sextile Neptune-Pluto, orb = 04037'
Key word: an aspect of a generation rather than
indicative of individual features.
Uranus and Neptune are very slow planets. Aspects
between them therefore last for years, and are
therefore not specific (that is, not meaningful on an
individual level), unless aspected to other planets or
to the angles.
Due to the slowing down of Neptune and the speeding up
of Pluto in its eccentric orbit, the two planets
remained sextile for about 30 years, from the 1960s to
1993. With its power of deconstruction over social
structures and of awakening latent human potential, it
came to prepare the great Uranus-Neptune conjunction
of 1993-1994.

Square Pluto-Nth Node, orb = 06050'
Square Pluto-Sth Node, orb = 06050'
This configuration points towards the necessity for
great transformation during this incarnation. If the
native undergoes these metamorphoses, his/her
condition of consciousness at the end of this life
will be completely different from how it was at the
beginning.
The less the native resists the transformations, the
more he/she understands them and flows with them, the
less they are likely to be dramatic or painful. The
more he/she can move towards his/her new self, the
less there is need for crises.

Sextile Moon-Mercury, orb = 01037'
Key words: receptivity, memory, imagination, access to
the unconscious.
*What the astrological tradition says:
The Mercury-Moon combination is regarded as good for
imagination and memory.
The Moon brings receptivity to the mind.
The imagination can be related to Mercury having
access to subconscious material (Moon).
Possibly feeling (Moon) other people's thoughts.
*As far as we are concerned:
Moon-Mercury is part of the 'chameleon' combinations
which do not have a strong 'flavour' of their own. It
is likely to give completely different results
depending on which other planets are aspected to it.
In a number of cases, the Moon-Mercury association
may not even modify these other aspects very much.

Opposition Moon-Nth Node, orb = 07007'
Conjunction Moon-Sth Node, orb = 07007'
A conjunction of the Moon with the Dragon's Tail
(South Node) points to the values of the Moon as
having played a significant role in one's past lives.
- It can mean past lives in which one dealt a lot with
children
- It can also mean past lives in which sensation and
emotions were very much at the foreground; this can
mean that the person has arrived in this life with an
extreme degree of opening and sensitivity, which may
now create problems at times.
- Another level of symbolism can be that of past lives
in a prepersonal atmosphere of merging, where the
person was intimately united to a group Ego. This may
now result in a great nostalgia for the bliss of these
past states, and also perhaps a difficulty in coping
with the competitive values of modern life.

Trine Saturn-Uranus, orb = 00053'
With an orb of only 00053', this aspect is
significantly tight.
This aspect therefore plays a significant role in the
chart.
The combination between Saturn and Uranus appears to
us basically favourable, even in the so-called
conflictual aspects (square or opposition).
Uranus' impetuosity may bring some tension in the
Saturn make up of the individual - but that is
certainly not bad. Who wants to be walled in a
conventional, earthly, idiotic type of Saturn?
(Certainly not Uranus.) Uranus will dynamise Saturn,
break through its heavy routines, bring spice to it
with original and even at times unconventional ideas
and impulses.
Uranus' tendency to be unstable and over-eccentric
will only benefit from Saturn's cooling effect and
structure.
Moreover, mental structure is always a challenge in a
chart with a strong Uranus. Uranus brings a high
degree of intuition, but if it is not supported by
Saturn, this intuition may well remain vague and never
find an outlet to express itself in a concrete
fashion.
The aspect is of course excellent for anything which
has to do with science and technology.
It should be remembered that Uranus and Saturn are
both slow moving planets. Any aspect between them will
therefore appear on the chart of everyone on the
planet for months. As such, the aspect has individual
significance only if it is supported by aspects to
other planets in the chart.

Opposition Saturn-Black Moon, orb = 09024'
Aspects between the Black Moon and Saturn are
powerful, in particular because of the affinity of the
two objects (in the Kabbalah, Lilith is related to the
planet Saturn).
The Black Moon's aspiration for perfection and the
rigorous, exacting nature of Saturn reinforce each
other. The combination can result in an extreme need
for purity. If Saturn is strong in the chart, this is
an aspect for brown rice and a carefully selected diet
(not one mouthful in excess), and great cleanliness in
general.
There is a profound need for inner clarity. This also
has to do with the fact that at times, Saturn can get
locked in the shadow side of the Black Moon. Unless
great inner clarity has been achieved, this may result
in phases of gloomy depression.
Watch in particular the periods when the Black Moon
transits the natal Saturn and Black Moon. These are
potential times of crisis. If unprepared, their
intensity may take you by surprise. The more you know
yourself and have explored the depth of your
unconscious mind, the more these times of transits are
likely to bring realisations and positive change in
your life rather than depression.
On the higher mode, both the Black Moon and Saturn are
potentially very wise. They both have depth and
reinforce each other in intensity. Combined with
Saturn's inherent structuring power, the sharpness of
Black Moon can flourish in intelligence and wit. The
result is a N.B.Y. (Not Born Yesterday) person who
cannot be fooled by appearances and knows how to
respond to all situations.

Conjunction Neptune-Black Moon, orb = 03006'
An aspect which can strongly reinforce the mystical
nature of Neptune, and add metaphysical dimension to
its inspiration. The combination can be highly
prophetic.
But with Neptune, things always run the risks of
remaining blurry - especially knowing that Black Moon
relates to the depths of the unconscious. It is only
when someone has done the inner work which allows them
to realise the spiritual potential of Neptune that the
support of this aspect to Black Moon can be
experienced.
If fully developed, this aspect can take cosmic
proportions. Think for instance of the immense vision
of Rudolf Steiner (conjunction Mercury - Black Moon -
Neptune in the 5th house), or other famous teachers
who had a Black Moon - Neptune opposition, such as Max
Heindel or Paramahansa Yogananda.
The more Neptune is aspected to other planets in the
chart, the more this aspect will be significant,
adding a Black Moon touch to the personality:
sharpness, inner depth and need for perfection (which
combines with Neptune's idealism).

Message me!

2005-01-02T01:51:57Z

i just got a windows messenger and yahoo messenger accounts and can, at long last, send instant messages!

my WM name is saoirse.

my yahooIM name is bandittipub.

Message me! ;-)

woot, woot! **raisin' the roof**

Amor y Justicia

2004-12-21T16:59:11Z

I'm off for a few days so here's another poem written circa 1996-1997 to tide ya'll over until I return, hopefully with some fresh poems!

Wow, two postings in two days; I feel so...so...accomplished...tee hee hee.

I was reminded of Neruda last night. I adore his Odes...love and justice and poetry...sigh...

**Please excuse the lack of accents in the spanish version**

Oda a Neruda

Amante
de la mugre,
la mugre esta
empotrado
en los manos
de los mineros,
La mugre de Chile.
Amante de tomates,
el mar,
Matilde dulce
amante de los amantes:
ejercitos
de las alcachofas
cantan su cancion,
las abejas proletarias
trabajan a los corolas,
su traje negro
camina con
el cuerpo
de sus poemas
por la
orillas saladas
de Valparaiso,
todos los atomos
de todas
sus palabras
bailan una vida
con la lucha
en direccion de
la justicia
y el amor

**

Ode to Neruda

Lover
of dirt,
dirt on
the hands
of miners,
the dirt of Chile;
Lover of tomatoes,
the sea,
sweet Matilde,
lover of lovers:
armies
of artichokes
sing your song,
proletariat bees
work in corollas,
your black suit
walks with
the body
of your poems
along the
salty shores
of Valparaiso.
Every atom
of every one
of your words
dances
a life
time
of struggle
toward
justice
and love

To Know, For Sure

2004-12-21T00:31:10Z

Here's yet another "old" poem--I seem to be re-visting many "old" things lately, especially today...

********************

The Possibility of This

-for Tom, Christmas 1998

When I was my niece’s
age, my dad was turning to ash
in a hospital bed, the fire seeping
through his body, a cigarette
left in the ashtray to burn. As I watch

Sara sitting on Tom’s lap, posing
for a picture, I’m amazed
how sure she is of his love, how
unconditional it all seems, how
given. Her memory of him

won’t end with this flash, it won’t end
up being a clue for her, as photos are
to me, proof of a simultaneous
existence, of the love I see
in the way he cautiously picks her

up, the unspoken acknowledgement
of trust and mutual admiration. I wonder
what it would feel like to know, for sure
the warmth of my father’s hand
on mine to know it physically,

as Sara knows it. Maybe I did,
and that feeling drifted away as he drifted into
a coma, in that quick split
second, when he lost consciousness,
the possibility of this

memory rose like smoke over a fire
dampened, the coals burning
an orange light behind
my smile, the picture
taken.

Cookies like my one-eyed Grammy used to make...

2004-12-19T07:04:03Z

numerous people asked me for this recipe today, so here 'tis:

Italian Cookies

ingredients:

2 eggs
3/4 cup of sugar
2/3 cup of milk
1/4 cup margarine (melted)
1/4 cup of crisco (melted)
1/4 tsp anise oil
3 and 1/2 cups flour
7 tsp baking powder
1 pinch salt

Directions: Beat eggs. Add sugar, milk, margarine, crisco, and anise oil until well-blended. Add dry ingredients and mix well. Roll into little balls the size of a walnut and bake.

425 degrees for 8 to 10 minutes

Frosting: 1 tbsp crisco, 2 cups confect. sugar, 1 drop anise oil, 1/4 cup milk or enough to make creamy

Don't forget the sprinkles.

**To make these vegan, use egg replacer, soymilk, and vegetable shortening for the crisco and margarine (Spectrum makes an organic vegetable shortening that works well)

The Pinkening

2004-12-15T17:49:15Z

Another poem written quite some time ago. I swear, I'll post some recent poems soon--I just have to write them! -e.m.

****

The Pinkening

--for Padhraic Conneely

In Ireland, they have the dry rain.
Weighty and bulbous, little watery
bomblets that parch and sharpen
in the sun-scathed wind, a shower

of bullets. You’d never know it was raining, but
for the stinging of your cheeks, how
they pinken as the blood rises as I walk
along the streets of Dungarvan, one hundred

years after my great grandmother left, I imagine her
last look back at this town: St. Mary’s steeple
retreating into clouds, the rank and file
pacing along Davitt’s Quay, the graves at

Kilrush and Relig An tSleibhe, unmarked,
under a sparkling shroud of rain. I
pull my cap down tight and shiver as
the mist thickens, the wind kicks

up. On Shandon Bridge, with the hills
at my back, I look out over the harbor,
littered with boats and buoys, I raise my
hand level with my eyes, find the horizon

in my site, like a sniper. The sun glares back
at me, in search of her, and a home
dwindling to graves, green fields. The dry
rain and sting. The pinkening.

The Language of Home

2004-12-13T16:17:18Z

So, I've been looking over a lot of my old poems lately and thought I'd share this one.-e.m.

********

The Language of Home

--for Margaret O'Sullivan

It’s the salt in the air that I miss,
the cobblestones and mossy docks,
the red brick and black wrought
iron of waterfront buildings.

Was it this same dim morning
mist that kept you here, thick with
the scent of seaweed, a cool breath
drawn-in, long and familiar?

This rocky coast and the Irish
in an English land, the veiled
gaeltacht, cast with hunger,
a baptism record,

a patch of grass
and a brother fighting
for the queen, desperate to forget
and to memorize what we left?

This is the language of home: a boat
setting off into the ocean’s haze, the
buoyed cadence of the lighthouse
flicker, guiding it toward exile.

Lettin' it go

2004-12-12T16:20:48Z

In Blackwater Woods

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

--Mary Oliver

my first car

2004-12-08T14:31:18Z

I just struck a deal to purchase my first car!! Check it out--the_car

My wonderful "vintage" 1985 Plymouth Reliant (aka Hazel) was given to me for free, so technically, she was not the first car I bought...anyway...

I'm not paying the asking price on the toyota; I talked the guy down $500 since I need to get new tires and there are a few other things that need to be fixed. But overall, I'm feeling good about it. It's not luxury vehicle, but I don't really care about that. I just need it to get me to where I'm going, and I hope to go many places, frequently. ;-)

yeah! now I just need to name her...any ideas?

Bitter Meditation

2004-12-07T16:29:23Z

He had been on strike for months,
started working nights part-time pumping gas,
during the day he picked blueberries,
his hands stained with the mix of dirt
and juice, brown and red as blood.

At home he paced back and forth, listened
for the people coming after him, listened
so intently, the slightest movement of a tree limb
became a door creaking open, the hum
of overgrown grass stirring in the wind
was the rush of the SWAT team
on his tail, autumn leaves fell
loud as gunshots.

The day his wife committed him to the psych ward,
he sat on the edge of his chair as if he were sitting
on the edge of the world, and he crossed
and uncrossed his legs, bit his fingertips,
the shards of skin rolling between his teeth and tongue,

a bitter meditation. I think of my father now,
during my insomniac nights, when every shiver
of the blinds by my window means someone
is approaching, the shadow in the doorway
watching me pretend to sleep as I watch

the crushed flesh of blueberries
seep in my hands, the pulp and dirt crammed
in the crevices of my fingertips
forming a spiraled map of my world
connected to his, the blood
on our hands

Ready? Yes, Yes I am.

2004-12-06T17:57:10Z

Kinsey: You Never Know Where the Visionaries Will Appear
by T. Patrick Donovan
www.dissidentvoice.org
December 6, 2004

The recent film about Dr. Alfred Kinsey (starring Liam Neeson and Laura Linney) could not have arrived at a more perfect political moment. With all the post-election day hand wringing, all the scurrying around about vote fraud, and all the furrowed brows planning Election 2006/2008, it is so refreshing to see the story of a 20th century visionary depicted on the big screen.

Yes, visionary.

The heart of the movie “Kinsey” lies in the powerful cultural-political confrontation between the good doctor and his research institute and the forces of reactionary moral values and conservative renormalization. It is a rather disturbing parallel to the post-election climate that is so awash in “moral values” that more than a few progressives are getting onboard this reactionary vessel.

Will “moral values,” and “Democrats learning to speak the language” of moral values be our next version of “Anybody But Bush”?

Dr. Alfred Kinsey, if he were alive, would have none of it!

To understand Kinsey's subversive power it is important to contextualize his two most famous studies. “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” was published in 1948, immediately in the aftermath of WW2 and with the shadow of the Cold War looming ominously. “Sexual Behavior in the Human Female” was published in 1953 in the midst of the Senator Joseph McCarthy-J. Edgar Hoover political witch hunts.

The Puritans of the day shook their heads and their fists when the first book hit the stands. Charges of promoting homosexuality and pedophilia were hurled at Kinsey and his researchers. For the most part the furor simmered and the “wacky scientists” in Indiana were left to do their research.

In a curious insight into the patriarchal nature of 1950's America (and today as well), it was the publication of the report on American women that dealt the crushing blow to Kinsey personally and moved his institute beyond the pale (Kinsey died a few years later).

It was bad enough that men were discovered to be fondling women and (quite often) other men too, but it was morally traitorous to besmirch American womanhood (though one wonders: if all the men in the earlier study were fondling women weren't the women fondling back?).

Suddenly the female body was uncaged. The 200 years of Puritanical efforts at suppression and dissociation from the pleasures of the flesh were exposed as merely having driven sexuality underground. It was too much and Kinsey would be made to pay.

Today the Puritans are back. Let's distinguish them by calling them Techno-Puritans, for they've upgraded from the blunderbuss and the public pillory to WMD and the Patriot Act. But make no mistake, this country is founded on Puritan ideology and it is to these psychological and political roots that America defaults under stress. Has there been a greater stress (excuse?) than 9/11?

Is it into this Puritanical clearing in a morally ambiguous world that progressives are going to be seduced (oops)?

Kinsey understood, in all his complexity as a dispassionate scientist with his feet planted in the sensuous, that knuckling under to the regressive dictates of “moral values” was a step back into darkness.

Remember, when the Kinsey Reports were first published it was a time when so-called “sexual deviants” were being jailed, given shock therapy, called mentally ill by the hallowed DSM-IV, and either self-medicating with alcohol and drugs or committing suicide.

The fact that there has been post-election, Monday-morning quarterbacking about how it was “wrong” and “ill-timed” for homosexual marriage to be advocated, is exactly indicative of the step that Kinsey warned about and refused to take.

In dark times you can never predict from where the next beacon of light will shine forth. In one of the most conservative and fear-ridden periods in American history, Dr. Alfred Kinsey was such a beacon. His uncompromising efforts to debunk dangerous attitudes and neurotic half-truths -- many of them sexist and racist -- saved lives and saved souls.

Yes, souls.

The Techno-Puritans, in their cultural support of expanded empire, know full well that turning the clock back to a time when the repressive moral values of a body-denying, Earth-destroying culture reigned is a crucial step. Kinsey reminds us that our struggle is far from over.

Kinsey reminds us that there are times and issues where the lines must be drawn so starkly, the “No” stated so uncompromisingly, as to leave no doubt who the forces of humanity are and where they stand.

Ready?

T. Patrick Donovan is a doctoral student in Depth Psychology.

Because We Move The Gift

2004-12-05T16:40:13Z

"To exist in a state of communion is to be aware of the nature of existence. This is where ecology and social justice come together, with the knowledge that life is held in common. Whether we know it or not, we exist because we exchange, because we move the gift. And the knowledge of this is as crucial to the condition of the soul as its practice is to the body."

--Susan Griffin, "The Eros of Everyday Life"

would you take this class? why? why not?

2004-12-02T21:43:58Z

oh, and if you happen to have any suggestions for the "contextualizing the spiritual" section, please let me know.

**********************************
Women’s Lives in Contexts:
Reading and Creating Autobiography

Course overview
The class will explore the ways in which lives are embedded within their social, political and cultural contexts; how those contexts change over time; the ways in which people construct their lives within and against these contexts; and how people represent their lives. We will have a particular focus on the ways in which gender, race, class, ethnicity and sexual orientation impact on lives and the ways these social forces interact with each other. Examining their own lives in their contexts, students will create autobiographical work which could take a variety of forms; e.g. written and/or visual.

Course requirements
1. Students are expected to come to class having carefully read the material assigned for that day and prepared to engage in serious discussion. Class participation counts for 20% of the grade.
2. The successful progression of this course depends on students keeping up with the work. A written project plan will be required as well as in class writing and three personal response papers which count for 30% of the grade. The in class writing will not graded, but maybe collected. The plans will not be graded with a letter grade, but are required, and plans that are late (without permission from me) or not done seriously will be factored into the grade as an F. While most of the autobiographical work will be done individually, students will also be engaged with each other's work. Some class time will be devoted to sharing your work with a partner or in a small groups, in addition to large class discussions. If you do not complete assignments on time both your own work and the class discussions will suffer. Doing the writing assignments on time will help you do your work within a collective context that is designed to keep you on track by giving you valuable feedback from your classmates. Also, if you keep up with the assignments you will be much more likely to have sufficient time to complete your final project. You may keep a journal if you think it will be helpful to you, and I would be happy to read it if you are interested in feedback. A journal is, however, totally optional.
3. The major work for the course is an autobiographical project that puts you into your social contexts. The form of the final work need not be written, however students who choose to use a form other than writing need to have the project approved by me. Written work should be a minimum of 20 pages. All work must be typed, double-spaced. The autobiographical project counts for 50% of the grade.

Required texts:
• Anne Braden, The Wall Between. 1999. University of Tennessee Press.
• Wesley Brown & Amy Ling, Visions of America: Personal Narratives from the Promised Land. 1993. New York Persea Books
• Mary Crow Dog with Richard Erdoes, Lakota Woman. 1990. New York: Harper Prennial
• Joan Nestle, A Restricted Country. 1987. Ithaca, NY: Firebrand
• Margaret Randall, This is About Incest. 1987. Ithaca, NY: Firebrand

Reader: Julia Watson & Sidonie Smith "De/colonizing the Subject: The Politics of Gender in Women's Autobiography,” Judith Ortiz Cofer, "The Story of My Body,” June Jordan, "Report From the Bahamas," bell hooks, “Coming to a Class Consciousness,” June Jordan, "A Poem About My Rights" and "Many Rivers to Cross, December 1981," Leslie Cagen, "Something New Emerges: The Growth of a Socialist Feminist,” Maxine Hong Kingston, "The Woman Warrior," Amber Hollighbaugh, "Femme Fables", Leslie Feinberg, "The Journey Begins", Adrienne Rich, “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence”

COURSE CALENDAR

Section I—What is autobiography?
What is political about it? What forms do autobiography and politics take?
Who writes autobiography? For whom? What purpose(s) does it serve?
Who cares or how to deal with the "so what" factor.

Class 1 Introduction to course, forms of autobiographical work
READING: Julia Watson & Sidonie Smith "De/colonizing the Subject: The Politics of Gender in Women's Autobiography"

Class 2 Forms of Autobiography: Writing and Healing/Telling Secrets and Recovery
READING: First ½ of Restricted Country, Margaret Randall, This is About Incest

Class 3 Autobiography as a Reclaiming Personal/Political Histories
READING: Second ½ of Restricted Country¸ Judith Ortiz Cofer, "The Story of My Body"

*Two-page personal response paper due.

Class 4 Autobiography as Witness, Reclaming of History
READING: First ½ of Lakota Woman

Class 5 Autobiography as Witness II: Reclaiming Culture
READING: Second ½ of Lakota Woman
*Two-page personal response paper due.

WRITING ASSIGNMENT: Write a plan for your autobiographical project, including a clear articulation of the aspect of your life that you are going to be working on, and responses to the following:
What is the purpose or significance of your story to yourself? to others? What you want to accomplish by telling this story?
How is it political? In what ways will your story illuminate your position with respect to gender, race, class, sexual orientation, ableism and their interaction? How does telling this story place you within or expose your contexts? You need not address all social formations, but you should involve at least three.
Who is your audience?
What form(s) are you going to use to tell your story? Remember, writing a linear autobiographical narrative is only one option. You may use various writing genres, visual art forms, and others I have not thought of.
It is very important that you give serious thought to this plan. If you need help, please make an appointment to see me. I will comment on your plan and you might want to meet with me to discuss my comments. Please do not hesitate to talk with me if you are confused or disagree with my comments. Autobiographical work does not have the same kind of road map as academic papers and it is therefore essential that you be clear about what you are doing, why you are doing it and how you intend to get to where you want to go. You will also share this plan with your classmates. Bring THREE COPIES of your plan to class. After sharing your plan with a classmate, you might want to make revisions.

Section II—The Intersections: Race, Class, Gender, Sexuality, and Spirituality
Where do race, class, gender, sexuality, and spirituality intersect?
What are the consequences of those intersections?
What does it mean to understand and represent oneself in those terms?

Class 6 Class
READING: June Jordan, "Report From the Bahamas," Leslie Feinberg, My Path to Consciousness, bell hooks, “Coming to a Class Consciousness,” Aurora Levins Morales, "Class Poem"

GROUP DISCUSSION OF PROJECT PLANS. Be sure to bring your plan to class with you. You will be sharing them with a member of the class. Bring THREE copies of your plan. Remember, the work of this class is to share your written plan, so do not come to class without a written one. You may want to make revisions after this discussion and you will have a week to do so.

Class 7 Social Class: Race and Ethnicity
READING: Minnie Bruce Pratt, "Identity: Skin, Blood, Heart", Anne Braden, The Wall Between, Adrienne Rich, "Split at the Root: An Essay on Jewish Identity" Robert Blauner, "Colonized and Immigrant Minorities"
*Two-page personal response paper due.

Class 8 Developing a Gender Consciousness
READING: Leslie Cagen, "Something New Emerges: The Growth of a Socialist Feminist, Maxine Hong Kingston, "The Woman Warrior", June Jordan, "A Poem About My Rights" and "Many Rivers to Cross, December 1981"
**Final Project Plan Due.**

Class 9 Sexuality: Heterosexism as Context
READING: Amber Hollighbaugh, "Femme Fables", Leslie Feinberg,"The Journey Begins" Adrienne Rich, “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence”

Class 10 Contextualizing the Spiritual

Class 11 Presentations.

Holiday Craft Boutique this Sunday

2004-12-01T20:00:10Z

Hey Folks,

Check out the holiday craft fair/home boutique this Sunday (see below). I may or may not have some beaded necklaces/earrings and/or poetry chapbooks for sale. Either way, I'll be there to keep the laughter and festivities goin' and the drinks flowin'.

Stop by and say hello!! Let's toast these fabulous, featured local artisans together!

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ANNUAL HOLIDAY BOUTIQUE, or should i say pomegranate mimosa tasting festival?!

yep, it's time for the annual holiday boutique. find that perfect handcrafted gift while sampling munchies, sipping our famous pomegranate mimosas, and hanging out with good friends! what more could you want?!

WHEN: sunday, december 5th, from 2-6pm
WHERE: chez julie ferioli, 3155 wisconsin, oakland
PHONE: 510-530-6445
WHO: you and your friends! spread the word!

AND our talented craftspeople showcasing their wares:

AMANDA- black & white and color photographs: cityscapes and nature photography!-- ready to frame! also, gift cards! snatch 'em up before amanda hits the big time and she forgets our first names :)

CYNTHIA- handmade bracelets (not all by me) and sterling charms so you can personalize your beaded bracelets! here's a gift where you get to be the co-artist! and we won't tell if you can't part with 'em and keep them all as presents for YOURSELF!

JENN- Baking with Jenn - super yummy Nut Brittle and other delicious holiday treats. bring your sweet tooth!

JULIE- mermaiden creations presents fabulous hats (adults & kids), luxurious scarves, one-of-a-kind cigar box handbags and jewelry boxes, beads and sterling jewelry, bouquets of rose pins, and tumbles of amazing pillows.

LORI- ceramics! everything you'll need for a talk-of-the-town dinner party! bowls, plates, vases, mugs, and more!

NIEVE- one-of-a-kind glass bead bookmarks! you knew you liked to read, but who knew reading could be so glamourous?!

ANN- all-the-rage crocheted flower pins and embroidered hankerchiefs-- from mischevious to elegant!

PERRIN & TRISTAN- handmade whimsical ornaments, the perfect quirky addition to your holiday (or year round) decorating!

support your local artists and have a rollicking good time! hope to see you there!
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Trippin'

2004-11-29T20:54:49Z

A friend of mine, justin42, had a dream about me last night. Check it out--the_dream

This has got me trippin'. I feel so accurately and intimately represented in his dream--climbing the fences and stretching out my arms and looking up at the sky with pure joy and lust for life.

I am so totally reaching for the freedom. And I'm close. I can sense it in my bones. I already feel the sun's warmth in the grooves of my upturned hands...

I'm in complete awe.

The Map of Ireland

2004-11-28T18:25:36Z

I was reminded yesterday of this poem I wrote some time ago about an old boyfriend of mine. So, here it is:

The Map of Ireland
--for Eoin O'Brien

He doesn’t know I’m there as he looks up
at it, reaches his arm just north of Dublin,
finds the familiar town and runs
his fingertip over its name: Drogheda.

He moves his palm over the coast, smoothes
out the memory of it, his country
somehow manageable now with
the ocean gaping between them,

open-mouthed. He traces the paper’s face,
briefly closes, his eyes, delights in the dry
scent of paper and ink, smells the winds
tripping off the Liffey, astonished

that they’re somehow tacked to a wall
in his bedroom in America, and how he sees himself
for the first time, from this distance,
knowing he’ll never go back.

He turns to me, hands unmoved,
the map of Ireland drawn all over
his face, the peet-smoked rain glosses
his eyes as a circle of fog begins to glisten

on the map’s mirrored surface and he rubs
his fingertips, savors the dew collected
between them, like jewels, his lips, parted
red and fresh as a wound.

How Trite Is That?

2004-11-26T05:47:38Z

So I'm at a friend's house sitting at the dinner table packed with food and there were little kids running around screaming and there was much talking being done and laughter and general commotion, when someone actually starts talking about the Pilgrims and how Massosoit taught them how to grow corn by using fish as a fertilizer and how the Pilgrims and Indians had a great feast.

How fucking trite is that.

Being the leftie-commie-pinko-loudmouth bitch that I am, I responded: Yeah, so the Pilgrims had this big meal, stuffed all the tastey food down their greedy little gullets, threw back a few drinks and thought, Hey, let's go out back and infect some blankets with smallpox and hand them out to our Indian friends, then we'll plan a genocide.

In the ensuing silence, I took a swig of my Guinness and watched them laugh nervously before they changed the subject.

National Day of Mourning

2004-11-25T18:57:51Z

35th NATIONAL DAY OF MOURNING TO BE OBSERVED IN PLYMOUTH, MA AT 12 NOON ON THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2004

35th NATIONAL DAY OF MOURNING
http://www.iacenter.org/peltier.htm
Thursday, November 25, 2004
12 Noon
Cole's Hill (the hill above Plymouth Rock)
Plymouth, Massachusetts

Since 1970, Native Americans have gathered at noon on Cole's Hill in Plymouth to commemorate a National Day of Mourning on the US thanksgiving holiday. Many Native Americans do not celebrate the arrival of the Pilgrims and other European settlers.

Thanksgiving day is a reminder of the genocide of millions of Native people, the theft of Native lands, and the relentless assault on Native culture. Participants in National Day of Mourning honor Native ancestors and the struggles of Native peoples to survive today. It is a day of remembrance and spiritual connection as well as a protest of the racism and oppression which Native Americans continue to experience. Join us as we dedicate the 35th National Day of Mourning to our brother, Native political prisoner Leonard Peltier. Add your voice to the millions worldwide who demand his freedom.

Help us in our struggle to create a true awareness of Native people and demonstrate Native unity. Help shatter the untrue glass image of the Pilgrims and the unjust system based on racism, sexism, and homophobia. For more info: United American Indians of New England/LPSG PO Box 890082, Weymouth, MA 02189

Phone and Fax: (617) 232-5135
E-mail: uainendom@earthlink.net
Website: http://home.earthlink.net/~uainendom

Sex, Death, and Poetry....sigh...

2004-11-24T05:08:11Z

The Backseat of Mike Delaney’s Car

--Portland, Maine, ca.1989

When I think of my youth,
I think of the backseat
of Mike Delaney’s car, parked
on a dark street near the Western Cemetery.

It was the summer I carried
Sylvia Plath’s Collected Poems with me
everywhere I went. I had her
tucked under my arm in

the checkout line at Shaw’s
supermarket, concealed between my
magazine and walkman, as I sunbathed
on Higgins Beach. Passing through

the Old Port, I was comforted
by the weight of her in my backpack.
During those humid, slow
motion days in Maine, the tulips

grew aggressively red, the pinks
burst like firecrackers, those
smoldering yellows. In the backseat
of Mike Delaney’s car, instead

of making-out among the creaks
and sighs of the cemetery
trees, I recited Lady Lazarus,
the cigarette smoke swarming

about my head, a pack of bees,
the air, honey-thick, with
the stink of stale beer and
sweat, my legs stuck

to the cracked vinyl interior,
my white-knuckled hands
clutching her, holding on
for life.

**For all of you not familiar with Sylvia Plath's work, see the poem "Tulips" below and also know that her dad was a beekeeper and she wrote many poems about bees, those pesky little swarming stingers, thus the bee reference**

my bowl of red

2004-11-22T08:23:19Z

Here's my favorite poem (below) by Sylvia Plath. I'm definitely not at all feeling the melancholy of this poem at the moment, however, I was reminded by a certain someone (TPD, I know you're reading this) that I hadn't updated my journal in 5 days (gasp!), so I thought I would post this. Anyway...

I've read this poem hundreds of times and it still moves me, thoroughly, with every read. The fifth stanza is the one that brings it home for me. Those perfectly crafted 7 lines convey utter despair with startling accuracy.

So if you're in need of a good cry, or you just feel like reading a really great poem, read on. Oh, and read it out loud. The sounds of the words really do add to the experience.

Tulips

The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here.
Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in.
I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly
As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands.
I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.
I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses
And my history to the anesthetist and my body to surgeons.

They have propped my head between the pillow and the sheet-cuff
Like an eye between two white lids that will not shut.
Stupid pupil, it has to take everything in.
The nurses pass and pass, they are no trouble,
They pass the way gulls pass inland in their white caps,
Doing things with their hands, one just the same as another,
So it is impossible to tell how many there are.

My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water
Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently.
They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep
Now I have lost myself I am sick of baggage
My patent leather overnight case like a black pillbox,
My husband and child smiling out of the family photo;
Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks.

I have let things slip, a thirty-year~old cargo boat
Stubbornly hanging on to my name and address.
They have swabbed me clear of my loving associations.
Scared and bare on the green plastic-pillowed trolley
I watched my teaset, my bureaus of linen, my books
Sink out of sight, and the water went over my head.
I am a nun now, I have never been so pure.

I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free -
The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,
And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.
It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them
Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.

The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me.
Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe
Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby.
Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds.
They are subtle: they seem to float, though they weigh me down
Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their color,
A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck.

Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.
The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me
Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,
And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow
Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,
And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself
The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.

Before they came the air was calm enough,
Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss.
Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise.
Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river
Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine.
They concentrate my attention, that was happy
Playing and resting without committing itself.

The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves.
The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals;
They are opening like the mouth of some great African cat,
And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes
Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.
The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,
And comes from a country far away as health.

Sylvia Plath, 1962